I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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