We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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