Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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