I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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