What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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