I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
