i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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