Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize