I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize