lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
