This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
