All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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