Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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