Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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