I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
