Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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