porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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