I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
