mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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