i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My pussy is not your playground.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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