Are we in a gay sports bar?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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