What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
