I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
