Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
