youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
