I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
