I accidentally had phone sex last night
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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