It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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