so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
