When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize