we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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