I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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