Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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