She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
