Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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