There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Drake has all the answers
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize