If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
