Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
This toilet bowl is my home.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
