Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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