considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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