Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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