I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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