and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
