Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
