Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
