Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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