so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
