70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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