I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
