I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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