It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
