to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
