I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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