um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
