I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
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