it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
sarcasm needs its own font
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
