he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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