First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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