Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
