i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
