P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
