you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
