Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
try to milk me bitch
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