Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
