I don't usually arrange sex via text message
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
